…is how I find myself some days. And who wouldn’t, when the children get sick? When my pre-schooler gets mad at me, and I am at a loss how to respond. When my one-year-old doesn’t speak yet and I wonder why. When my baby cries and somehow I cannot seem to soothe her. Questions cloud my mind. Am I doing something wrong? Am I really cut out for motherhood? I would wonder why God gave me three children when I seem to be a terrible mom. One thing leads to another and doubting leads to…
…regret. “Should have, would have, could have” are the last words of a fool, according to a song. Not that I ever regret marrying my husband or giving birth to these wonderful children. It’s just that sometimes, I would think that if I was given a choice, I would choose not to have children because they would only be commiserable. With that, the unanswerable “what if” questions are due to hurl at me.
“Why so negative?”, you may ask. Well, I think that if I don’t acknowledge the low points in my life, I won’t appreciate the highs. If I don’t experience challenges in life, I won’t feel God’s love, I won’t see how He has always been there for me and working in my life. If I don’t have problems, how can I learn to trust my Lord?
I once read somewhere that our life is made up of seasons. There’s a season to be young and carefree (I miss that!), and there’s a season to be mature and responsible. Right now, wifehood and motherhood are the seasons in my life. All my choices in the past had led me to this point. It is where God wants me to be and He intends for me to bloom right here. I am learning to embrace the season.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Just because I’m not doing what I used to do before I had children, doesn’t mean I’m losing myself. It means I get to let my true self shine even when I am “repackaged”.
Psalm 127:3-5 (NIV) 3 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 5Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.
I wonder what I did to deserve three rewards from the Lord?