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Doubting…
…is how I find myself some days. And who wouldn’t, when the children get sick? When my pre-schooler gets mad at me, and I am at a loss how to respond. When my one-year-old doesn’t speak yet and I wonder why. When my baby cries and somehow I cannot seem to soothe her. Questions cloud my mind. Am I doing something wrong? Am I really cut out for motherhood? I would wonder why God gave me three children when I seem to be a terrible mom. One thing leads to another and doubting leads to…
…regret. “Should have, would have, could have” are the last words of a fool, according to a song. Not that I ever regret marrying my husband or giving birth to these wonderful children. It’s just that sometimes, I would think that if I was given a choice, I would choose not to have children because they would only be commiserable. With that, the unanswerable “what if” questions are due to hurl at me.
“Why so negative?”, you may ask. Well, I think that if I don’t acknowledge the low points in my life, I won’t appreciate the highs. If I don’t experience challenges in life, I won’t feel God’s love, I won’t see how He has always been there for me and working in my life. If I don’t have problems, how can I learn to trust my Lord?
I once read somewhere that our life is made up of seasons. There’s a season to be young and carefree (I miss that!), and there’s a season to be mature and responsible. Right now, wifehood and motherhood are the seasons in my life. All my choices in the past had led me to this point. It is where God wants me to be and He intends for me to bloom right here. I am learning to embrace the season.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Just because I’m not doing what I used to do before I had children, doesn’t mean I’m losing myself. It means I get to let my true self shine even when I am “repackaged”.
Psalm 127:3-5 (NIV) 3 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 5Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.
I wonder what I did to deserve three rewards from the Lord?
When we lost our baby those were the quotes that came to mind.I wanted it to come out differently but God has a reason.
I feel for you because this is exactly how I feel these days. Longing for answers and God showed me the right ones. I am sometimes that I am a failure being a mother. But, I know God has something more to offer. To God always be the glory and surely He will give us more strength to move on.
Heart Calimlim recently posted..First from the Philippines: Rico Corn Rice
Cym, you are truly blessed with three children and you must never doubt the reason why God gave them to you and your husband. He knows that you will be (and I’m sure currently is) a great mom to them 🙂 Sometimes, we feel really feel the stress with so many things to do and decide on. I hope you could set aside a “me” time even for a few minutes. This will keep us sane 🙂 Smile and always be thankful for God’s blessings 🙂
Erlaine | Glamma Momma recently posted..Family Rules on Your Wall
Thanks for the encouragement, Erlaine!
I think it’s perfectly natural to feel all these things. I have a 14,13 and 3 year old and I’m still questioning myself if I have done the best that I can. There’s plenty of doubt there but I’d rather dwell in what I can do then what I can’t change. Very inspirational. Thanks!
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Oh Cym, I can’t believe you went through a period of doubting! And unfounded doubts at that (wondering why a 1yo can’t speak yet? Hehe). But yes, everything you wrote about regarding the seasons of our life is true. I believe most of us new moms are in the season of planting, and perhaps you are already beginning to reap now! 🙂
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Life is beautiful! Like what you’ve said, there is a time for everything. God has a purpose in our life, we just need to trust him. Like what I’ve posted in my FB account, “You love your friends and try to be there for them, but when you have kids its not always possible to get to everything and it’s okay” (buzzfeed.com) Always remember that God gave you the greatest gift, your children. God Bless Mommy!
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As we grow, we will encounter different trials that will make us grow to be a better person. What’s important is that we never loose our faith and trust to God.
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It’s absolutely normal to feel like that once in a while. This is why not everyone understands moms like us. Good thing you’re close to God. Always remember that He has a purpose on everything. As for your one year old who doesn’t speak yet… all babies develop differently and at different rates. It’s still to early to conclude, so don’t worry. Everything will be fine. 🙂
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Life is indeed full of challenges. We should always be grateful and if problems occur, let’s always look at the brighter side. You have the best gift in life, that is your children. God bless!
Such great insights about life and its different seasons. I hope that at the end of my life, I will have no regrets and that I have become the person He wanted me to become. Maybe my only regret would be if I had not fulfilled His purpose in me….but at this age, I have learned to be at peace with my lot in life, to trust that He knows what He’s doing with me.
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