How many do I have?
“Another one?”, she asked me with a little impish smile.
“No!”, I answered with finality, “Two is enough.”
It appears I ate my words. Until I had a TVS or transvaginal ultrasound, I am in a state of denial even if I tested positive in a pregnancy test kit. ‘It’s too soon!’, I heard my thoughts say, ‘Why, Lord?’ Ricky and I weren’t planning on having another child. Well, we weren’t actually planning since he didn’t want me to use contraceptive pills for some reason. And since he is my only “source of income”, he didn’t approve of a budget for that. I am not completely blaming him for I was not very insistent about it when I should have been. It was, after all, my reproductive health at stake.
Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I can feel God saying to me that my plans are not His plans. Until now, I don’t understand. I can’t see the reason behind having another child. I am still confused. I am sure He knows how hard it is to bear a baby while having small children, how hard it is to deliver that baby and this would be my third C-section and my fourth Epidural, how hard it is for me to produce breast milk that would make the baby healthy, how hard it is when the kids get sick, how hard it is to raise children emotionally & financially, and how crazy it is to be a parent. But they say, God wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t handle. I hope they’re right!
I’m sorry if I’m so negative about this. It’s just that it’s unexpected, I’m unprepared.
The doctor who did the TVS on me was laughing at me because I was in denial. She said that other women were crying because they had a hard time conceiving. Meanwhile, I was so fertile and was given another blessing. Yes, I know that I can’t deny this gift from the Lord. I cannot deny that I’m infanthreecipating.
