For me, confidence is a destination that needed to be journeyed to. There may be some people who were born with confidence, but I am not one of them. How can I say that I am not confident? Feelings of insecurity and self-doubt were surfacing. I kept second-guessing myself and my decisions. I was uncertain about what I really, really like or want. I believed that I was mediocre in comparison to others who are more intelligent, more talented and have more things in their possession. I was always self-conscious and was always finding something wrong in the way I look.
My road to confidence has potholes and puddles. The challenges and failures I have faced had me disheartened and suspicious of all my judgments. I would ask, “What have I done?” And the bitter result of it? Regret.
You know? I looked at my old photos and wondered why I ever thought I was too fat. Why did I not stand straighter? Why did I not walk taller?
I am still learning to appreciate myself more, because who could do that for me other than Jesus, my wonderful husband (who doesn’t verbalize his appreciation) and my three amazing children? I am still learning that I am made this way by God, why do I have to change? Sure, my experiences shaped me and my thinking, but could I rewrite the past? Yes, of course, I need to exercise and shed some weight, but do I have to beat myself up over it? I am still learning that I could not please everybody, but I could please everybody who loves me, without me trying too hard.
Motherhood has also boosted my confidence so I could stand up for my children, protect them while I still can, and to instill in them the confidence I once lacked. They need to be confident that God loves them and is always there for them. They need to be confident that their parents love them and would provide their needs, their presence. They need to be confident in their talents and abilities so they could be brave enough to pursue their dreams with passion.
My eldest Elle loves to draw. But, I was the one who would do it for her and she would just design and color in. She would say that she doesn’t know how and that her drawings are ugly. It breaks my heart to see her doubt herself. I needed to really build up Elle’s confidence in her talent and love for drawing so she could come up with this:
I can’t say that I have already reached my destination, although each day, the Lord is increasing my confidence. Maybe when I’m 80 years old, I will then say, “So what?” 😛